Categories for nonfiction
Time Saved
October 26, 2023 8:39 pm
Sowing Seeds
May 5, 2023 12:24 am Perhaps what I struggle with the most is finding that freedom. Freedom to be proud of what I’m building, freedom to build what I want to.
Deprogramming
September 24, 2022 5:57 pm That is the ultimate appeal of clickbait headlines about hookers and blow, of Alexander Supertramp lighting his substantial inherited wealth on fire somewhere in the desert. We fantasize about being rockstars, firefighters, farmers, poets. We want to be who we were, before it all changed.
Picture Perfect
February 3, 2022 9:11 pm How many layers of a “picture perfect life” are our true selves buried beneath? Perhaps the most pervasive question in my confusing life is which version of myself is the realest and where the edge between righteous discontent and selfish ingratitude really is.
The Weight
September 6, 2021 10:02 pm Forty years ago, DDT was thinning bald eagle eggs to the point that a mama bird would crush her own brood while trying to incubate them. Finally, a few devout scientists proved this and changed the agricultural chemical industry for the marginally better. If only our mama birds recognized that the weight of their own skewed expectations were crushing us all to death.
Bittersweet
May 10, 2021 4:38 pm Holding back doesn’t lessen the pain of the loss, but it sure as hell lessens the joy of the having.
Moving and Staying Still
February 20, 2021 7:15 pm The most unnatural thing we can do is ignore the calling to draw near and reflect, to suppress the urge to go out and seek, to demand a sameness from our souls that robs them of the very quality which makes them soulful.
Leaves
October 23, 2020 9:02 pm We yearn to show our true colors, to display our brightest greens and most vivid yellows, to gracefully grow through the seasons of life for the audience we treasure. Perhaps even to see ourselves become what we are destined to be, to feel pride at who we are.
Smoke
September 18, 2020 9:24 pm And indeed, my flesh is increasingly made of the smoke that our society has created. It is not just routine incense of aspen and pine. It is acrid smoke, spreading across an entire continent, filled with bits of electrical wiring and industrial paint, finer and lighter than ever because the vegetation is so dry.
Depression Headache
August 31, 2020 4:18 am When I talk to friends, it is via a telephone screen, which physiologically contributes to headaches and psychologically contributes to isolation.
You Won’t See Me
July 23, 2020 11:15 pm Being an expert in solitude has its costs. You play the long game, accustomed to the sense that there is nothing rushing you to act. And then a forceful suitor swoops in, a lease runs out, bills come up due. Day turns to night, and so it does until another year has passed. The world waits for no one.
Near Death Experience
March 9, 2020 6:15 pm The near death experience may be the moment before the fall is halted by the ground, it may be the first tumble when everything is pain and ringing noises and a flash of white light. Or it may be what happens months, or even years, later. It has nothing to do with injuries or lightning strikes or natural gas leaks. The more comfortable we get and the further from our dreams we stray, the nearer to death we truly become.
I Can’t Believe This is Happening to Me
February 24, 2020 7:06 pm Oftentimes, the reality of life is difficult to believe. Not only is truth stranger than fiction, but there is a noteworthy disconnect between our expectations, our perceptions, and the unflinching march of time.
No Depression
February 4, 2020 6:12 pm The word ‘depressed’ is ridiculously complicated. Not that any word in any language means just one thing, but few words mean more things than depression. Everything from measurable chemical imbalances to tropical storm systems to underperforming stock markets can lead to depression.
We Live in a Simulation
January 31, 2020 8:29 pm For all the advancements our society has made, the world still rewards those who can separate their conscience from their actions. Close the deal, shoot the wounded, put profit before people. There is not a visible cosmic arbiter of justice and this means only that one’s ingrained sense of right and wrong is a hindrance in the earthly realm.
Lost in Translation
January 27, 2020 7:39 pm Ultimately, we are confined to the languages we share with others. The spoken and written languages of the world. The things we trade in. The artistic media that leave everything open to interpretation yet create fleeting bits of solace and solidarity.
Measurements
January 6, 2020 9:05 pm Somewhere between January and December, between sunrise and sunset, life turns into a series of processes that can rob the days of their original potential. From the alarm clock to clocking in, the hours tick away marked by a ceaseless process that forces us into line.
As Good As It Gets
July 21, 2019 11:48 pm When someone says “This is as good as it gets,” what connotation does that have for you? What about if they ask, “Is this as good as it gets?”
Shreddin’
April 29, 2019 2:00 am I often notice myself feeling leery of promise because it contains a tremendous amount of kinetic energy. It is why I like to be like a rolling stone, neither gathering moss nor bothered much by the rough and tumble of rolling downhill.
Rust
March 10, 2019 8:39 pm Through the eroding power of time and numbing experiences, these days the inputs have to be somewhat stronger to come through. Connections corrode with time and rust is simply a protective shell for the fresh parts beneath it.
Beat
February 19, 2019 8:31 pm I was that blessed level of empty that only comes from efforts which push us to the brink.
Beneath the Stars
February 1, 2019 8:52 pm Everyone is so afraid of sharing a spork and sleeping on the ground that they forget to be afraid of what happens when they think themselves above such things.
Spending Time
December 14, 2018 8:46 pm Spending money you don’t really have on other people feels like a desperate post-capitalistic mating ritual. Spending money you don’t really have on yourself is a perfect reminder of the relative value of currency.
Seasons
November 15, 2018 6:41 pm Feeling the seasons change is surreal, because it always brings with it a rushing nostalgia and a helpless terror. The... View Article
Empty
November 2, 2018 5:34 pm Emptiness has a nearly universal negative connotation. It is forced to duke it out with its syntactical opposition ‘half full,’... View Article
Butterflies
October 24, 2018 7:32 pm My mind flashes back to that ride in the Ozarks, when fast-driving cars plowed through fluttering butterflies, when I stopped... View Article
Where It All Ends
September 26, 2018 3:23 pm It was hard to imagine two people trying very hard at anything after being paid that much to show up.
Disappearing Act
August 7, 2018 2:20 pm Life does not ask if you want to see a dead body dredged from a river on your bike ride or if you want to wake up one day and realize that most everyone you thought you might marry someday is now engaged to someone else or if you were ready for another year to be two-thirds over, for everyone you love to be two-thirds a year older, for your checking account to be two-thirds a year emptier. The disappearing act forces you to put your thoughts in a centrifuge in a noise-cancelling vacuum and distill them and listen to them until you are aware just what they are.
A Nightmare is Still a Dream
August 2, 2018 4:09 pm I do not need distractions or white picket fences. I need to write. I need to push myself to the limits so I have something to say. And I need to read what others have said, that I may remember the vague, gnawing feelings I have all day have names.
Being Alive
July 16, 2018 6:39 pm Existing is a fickle thing, some combination of biological bare-minimums and feeling profoundly satisfied which ultimately makes us who we... View Article
Roadkill.
June 4, 2018 12:59 pm It might change people if they would stare at roadkill instead of averting their eyes.
Injuring Eternity
May 23, 2018 4:53 pm I hate circling dates on the calendar, because it always creates a disproportionate sense of the value of a given day.
Watering the Plants
May 4, 2018 11:33 am Spending too much time thinking may have its downsides, but that is only if you subscribe to the notion that there is such thing as “spending too much time thinking.”
Make Yourself Comfortable
April 4, 2018 2:33 pm I try to free myself of the thirst for material goods, only to notice that in lieu of spiritual satisfaction, a project car or a more specialized bicycle or new camera lens might offer up a convincing diversion. Besides, what is so wrong with just being comfortable?
Hurry Up and Teach Me the Lesson
March 14, 2018 5:07 pm There is a yearning within all of us to find more joy in a simple evening stroll than in a new Porsche, but there is also a reluctance which holds us back. We can work hard and save our shekels and buy the one, but the other requires solemn introspection and much harder work, and nothing which can be bought with ink on a dotted line. And that is what writing and conversation and coffee and whiskey are all about; it is why we must make a thousand words out of the way the sunlight dances along the sidewalk during the evening dog walk
Bear Country
February 27, 2018 12:17 pm In a way, it is a refreshing feeling to be constantly aware of your surroundings, to know what it is you are most afraid of. To have a common fear with all fellow men, to have a lingua franca that everyone speaks about dangers and preparations and the haughty laughs we must have if we are to survive it at all. In the Yukon, everyone has a bear story or ten. In Alaska, people speak more in “how bad” bears are than whether there are bears at all.
Situational Irony
February 20, 2018 12:59 pm I am fascinated by our variable tolerances; when it comes to solitude, silence, loneliness, or discomfort, we react violently and... View Article
Sutherland Springs
February 11, 2018 12:34 pm As time passes, I am stricken by many things: the urgency a brush with death places upon us. Our ability to normalize and gloss over such a traumatic experience in order to ‘move on.’ The way survival is so fickle and random that it can all feel very pointless or extraordinarily meaningful. The difference a day makes.
Try Not to Let It Get You Down
February 3, 2018 12:00 pm Any time someone takes a real, human risk and shares real feelings, answers the question “How are you?” with something... View Article
The Year of the Dog: A Love Letter
January 15, 2018 1:54 pm We gradually fade from sharp-toothed puppy to hyperactive youngin’ to sleeping eighteen hours a day, and as is the nature of existing, we only really notice our most current state of being. A senior dog fades into the background and then occasionally surprises us with a half snarl or a flash of the spunk that used to wear us down through sheer quantity of energy. An old friend falls through the cracks as we see enough glimpses of them looking happy on the internet that we forget to check in and actually talk. The best moments of our life slowly fade into the shadows until we neither remember nor forget them; they are simply there until a tragedy brings them into high relief and we remember them wistfully.
New Year, Some Words
January 4, 2018 12:43 pm If there is one thing I have learned in more or less the last calendar year, it is that we are at our best when we can hold our own worst thoughts and fears in our hands at arm’s length and stare at them until they look less ugly and less daunting; less like shackles and more like spurs.
Echoes and Howls
December 16, 2017 6:27 pm I hoisted my knee up over the edge and we stood, above the Canyon once more, fierce winds howling in our ears, reminding us just how precarious standing atop a slick hoodoo is. But, everything is precarious in its own way. Is it not better to bring that to light instead of trying to hide it in the shadows?
It Feels Wrong to Write
November 27, 2017 1:35 pm I find beauty and hope in the individual and collective human ability to defy the odds. I am also radically overwhelmed by it. Isn't our existence a miracle that should be revered? Aren't we preposterously fleeting? Should we take things less seriously? Is it possible to take things seriously enough?
The Arctic Ocean
November 1, 2017 1:56 pm in this moment, I stood still and shivering and let reality wash over me and blow into my core. It is hysterical how little marketing influences you or how much some other human’s selfish decisions can affect your faith or resolve when you are standing with your toes in the Arctic Ocean.
The Bearded Ones
October 24, 2017 11:50 am If there is one quality that I’ve been told I possess which I’m finally starting to truly believe, it’s that I still get as excited as a child about lizards and automobiles and carnivorous plants and, as it turns out, muskoxen. I think this is my number one greatest survival skill, because it gives me the upper hand over any number of existential crises, chemical imbalances, and structural damages that may otherwise rob me of much desire to proceed.
Peeing in the Arctic Circle
October 11, 2017 2:58 pm I stood there in a long sleeve T-shirt and blue jeans, exposed in all the most vulnerable ways to the elements, and felt a certain type of ridiculous freedom that men often chase their entire lives. One would never explicitly state that they aspire to something as trite as peeing atop Atiguin Pass, but that may be part of the problem.
Explanations.
September 26, 2017 12:20 pm I snapped a few photos and then resumed staring at the otherworldly glow, pining after a sip or two of whiskey which was never offered and cursing the clouds that seemed to roll in right as the Lights intensified.
Breaking Your Own Rules
September 9, 2017 2:06 pm "On the road again, kissing toes and meeting the characters who make Dawson such a vibrant enclave, I was forced to acknowledge the joy which supersedes the easy checklist items I was racing towards. Items which will always be there, which serve a purpose but do not provide one."
Don’t You Ever Get Lonely?
August 31, 2017 7:11 pm I stood and let conditioned fear course through my veins and simply observed it from a few feet above my body. For all of these misguided warnings, there I was, completely, utterly alone and more alive than ever. Not even the smallest bone in my body felt lonely in that moment.
In Lieu of the Cosmos
August 26, 2017 4:33 pm We pulled into the shallows, and the dizzying pace of the water just beyond the barrier island gave me something to focus on. “I think that big eclipse is starting right around now,” I offered. “What eclipse?” he asked me.
Fifteen Minutes from Alaska
August 24, 2017 9:51 pm These snippets are always taken out of context, and they often make others feel inferior and the sharer feel isolated, as if their reality isn’t living up to outsiders’ expectations of it. Happiness is not guaranteed by the sight of snow-capped mountains, though they are never unwelcome. A smile in a moment does not tell the full story. One does not and cannot cross a border or climb a mountain every second of their lives.
Welcome to Alaska
August 15, 2017 4:30 pm These intersections of theoretical and physical delight me to no end, and I wanted to ask an international legal expert all kinds of questions about what might happen in any number of potential scenarios in this exact spot.
Space & Time and the Final Frontier
August 11, 2017 6:08 pm It is healthy to have our schema shattered repeatedly. It creates a certain open-mindedness and healthy humility. It separates us from the crippling weight of individual situations and frees us from the sense that basic outcomes may dictate our entire lives in a hubristically finite set of options. Every mile covered by the Land Cruiser is earned in a way that would seem blessedly easy to Lewis or Clark or Muir, no matter how brutish they may feel at the time. Every time I believe myself close to an understanding or even a point on a map, I secretly relish being crushed or at least corrected.
The Crossroads
July 29, 2017 3:43 pm This was a literal crossroads that felt aggressively metaphorical. I wanted to curse the very road junction itself for pointing in all directions and inviting us to follow them wherever they may lead...
Silver (Scaled) Linings
July 22, 2017 2:03 pm The next morning the sun shone brightly through the cabin windows before my alarm clock rang. Sunshine in the mountains... View Article
Lonely at the Top
July 15, 2017 2:36 pm She knew who I was because I had called in to secure a spot and presumably nobody else had done so that day. I was given the keys and a brief rundown of the area, Hank was given a few dog treats and knocked over a stand of s’mores skewers. It was all so matter of fact and immediate that Los Angeles felt even further than 846 miles away.
Two Steps Back
July 13, 2017 6:08 pm A series of machinations led to another, even younger-looking tow truck driver appearing some 30 minutes after we first arrived.... View Article
Survival Mechanisms
July 10, 2017 3:58 pm The noises emanating from the Land Cruiser’s transmission were grim. There was the uneasy whine of a transfer case that... View Article
The Middle of Nowhere
July 5, 2017 3:44 pm “The middle of nowhere” is a loaded idiom. It’s a vague-yet-precise phrase that invokes a certain situation or location, and which could be positive or negative depending on who says it. It offers up visions of amber waves and orange plateaus, of abandoned filling stations and faded glimpses of the past’s future. It is a place devoid of the decades of social construction required to populate a city with its traps and trappings.
Count it All Joy
June 1, 2017 5:55 pm A couple of weeks ago, I began to examine the oppressive idea that, “You can’t just do that.” Whatever that... View Article
"You Can’t Just Do That"
May 17, 2017 11:24 am I recently became aware of the improbable story of Amanda Coker. It is noteworthy in several ways. Firstly, she just... View Article
Is Escapism a Bad Word? || Acadia National Park
April 18, 2017 1:56 pm I shirk at the word escapism, though my counselor has encouraged me increasingly not to attach pejorative connotations to things... View Article
A Bar at the End of the World
April 13, 2017 4:48 pm Sometimes you see something furry and want to touch it, whether it’s a puppy or someone’s velvet jacket. Sometimes you let a bartender plan the majority of your day with no idea of what you’re agreeing to.
Getting off the Couch is the Hardest Thing You’ll Do Today
April 12, 2017 12:35 am How would you like to feel 10% less like spontaneously weeping and 90% less passionate about everything from the sound of music to laughing at jokes to your dog’s wellbeing?
Darkness, Light, and a Sunset in Maine
April 4, 2017 12:19 pm This moment turned out to be a subtle turning point in the narrative. Since picking up the Land Cruiser and having a hilarious Saint Paddy’s Day that was blessedly free of self-awareness sabotaging my enjoyment, I now presented the trip as not just a salve for the pained brain clanging around in my head but also as a concerted effort to rediscover the simple joys that make me who I am and thusly make me worth spending any time around.
A Place to Call Home: The Almost-Ghosttown of Centralia, Pennsylvania
March 27, 2017 1:32 pm Signs stood in the trees warning hunters not to hunt in this area. We were quite near a State Game Land, of which Pennsylvania has many, and I suppose if you spent enough time in the woods and chased a deer far enough, you could wind up here. Of course, if you missed, your rifle shot might go through one of the remaining houses in Centralia. Or its sharp crack may just be the straw that breaks the asphalt’s back and sends you or the deer into a deep, hot hole.
Making Moves
March 6, 2017 5:52 pm Nothing will snap me out of my hypnogogic trance faster than someone telling me that I have more interests or dreams than they do. I will fiercely accost a perfect stranger because I believe so firmly in the human imagination and the childlike whimsy that resides somewhere inside every one of us.
My Dog Taught Me How to Read
February 22, 2017 5:37 pm Hank doesn’t know that the universe is infinitely-expanding, and he is a better man for it.
A Surefire Way to Have at Least 1 Good Minute Every Day
February 19, 2017 11:53 pm Three days ago I said I’d be right back with a few positive tales from the last week. I then... View Article
A Lack of Color
February 16, 2017 5:01 pm Some days my brain echoes with static and feels so stuffed with cotton balls that my favorite places feel grating... View Article
The Stories We Long to Tell
February 9, 2017 10:06 am I don’t want to tell myself a story about the woods while sitting under fluorescent lights in a cubicle somewhere far away from them. We needn’t delude ourselves that our masterpieces are just a few months away, if only we keep biding time.
DILLIGAF?
January 24, 2017 5:29 pm Somewhere between the dutiful and the nihilistic is the sense that none of us make it out alive, but many of us are never even fully alive.
The Thing About Green Grass
January 13, 2017 12:56 pm That is a myth that afflicts not just writers but all people: that our lives, because they are normal to us, are uninteresting and dull while the stories and images of others are enviable and epic in some unattainable way.
You Can’t Fire Me, I Quit
January 9, 2017 4:28 pm Even though I’ve made so many dramatic moves towards living out my dream, I still often doubt my own agency and potential for happiness.
Notes from the Road: The Virginias
January 8, 2017 1:58 pm From Raleigh, heading North made for quicker progress across state lines. I made plans to move beyond the comfortable confines... View Article
Notes from the Road: North Carolina
January 7, 2017 12:47 am Words lingered in the air like the sparks that danced above the crackling fire. Not a word was spoken about the cars that had brought us all together.
Workable Solutions
January 4, 2017 11:46 am Sunday night at church, the pastor did what they so often do and seemed to speak directly to me and... View Article
So This is the New Year
December 31, 2016 1:23 pm New Year’s Eve falls squarely under that old Socratic definition of insanity: repeating the same thing and expecting a different... View Article
Pulling Teeth
December 20, 2016 11:43 am It appears that somehow my piece on Petrolicious is climbing its way back into the ranks of the ‘most popular’... View Article
Highs, Lows, and Rainbows
December 9, 2016 1:23 pm People are fickle enough on a good day. Even at our best, there are plenty of small things that can... View Article
The Difficulty of Finding Simple Pleasures
December 1, 2016 2:56 pm Something I find myself contemplating a lot lately is the slow and simple pursuit of joy across disciplines and slices... View Article
The Rhythm of the Road
October 21, 2016 1:07 pm Just as it can be exhilarating and slightly disappointing to finally master a guitar lick you’d revered as a kid... View Article
Laughter is the Best Medicine
October 17, 2016 11:14 am The vulnerability offered up and time taken to compliment a laugh or share some commonality in written words is a beautiful thing, and every bit of it makes me want to pour myself into my writing and the people I meet a trillion times more.
No Regrets
October 7, 2016 11:56 am There is a difference between having no regrets and learning to live with them.
The Facts So Far
October 5, 2016 11:40 am The details of my road trip thus far. Less stories, more facts and figures.
Trusting Strangers
October 4, 2016 10:27 am Many of us remember being told as children to never trust strangers, or at least to never accept candy from them or get into their cars. I’ve long since broken all of those rules.
The Sin of Forgetting
September 26, 2016 1:35 pm “And that’s the problem. I think God is up there and answering prayers, but we take that for granted. We want something, we get it, we’re done until we need something else. And as soon as we get what we wanted, we aren’t even happy about it anymore. To me, that’s the biggest sin. The sin of forgetting.”
Mayor, Sheriff, Razorback Fan, Pizza Parlor Owner.
September 19, 2016 11:31 am “How did ya’ll find us?” Todd and Angie seemed to ask simultaneously. Our story made them smile and they brought everyone out from the kitchen to re-tell it
What Happens in Vegas
August 9, 2016 2:43 pm I used to wonder how I could ever earnestly dance or love or have a conversation again after I felt that part of me atrophy under the weight of irony and sarcasm and a million unanswered questions.
On the Road Again
July 28, 2016 10:42 am Getting nearly killed by a car, or anything else for that matter, can be a magnificent blessing in disguise. It... View Article
Headaches and Hope in Tomorrow
June 29, 2016 7:24 pm First-person nonfiction often relies on the premise that something extraordinary has to happen to someone in order for them to... View Article
The Algorithm of Life
March 29, 2016 11:53 am It is little exaggeration to say that “everyone” is now discussing the imminent disruption to the social order, that in... View Article
The Houston Marathon and The Human Spirit
January 19, 2016 2:52 pm Howdy! I’m working on writing a book of stories and observations like these. Would you read it? Why or why... View Article
The Unsung Praises of Pop Music
December 8, 2015 12:05 pm We spend a lot of life burying simple, earnest joy beneath complicated oxymorons like the idea of the “guilty pleasure.” This phrase is most often connoted with songs that we somehow “shouldn’t” like but secretly do, anyways.
Town, Country, Action
November 6, 2015 3:57 pm There is so little practical difficulty in the day-to-day of most of us that we have to create solutions to nonexistent problems for our own entertainment, to provide that sense of accomplishment and satisfaction where none can be found... In comfort, so few demands are made of us that we can sit and pontificate until we unravel. I don’t have to wallow in sorrow and self-loathing to be at my artistic best—maybe I’d write a more poignant novel in the Modernist style if I allowed myself to keep feeling as I did two years ago—but I can be informed by that knowledge of high art as I create something filled with high hope.
The Mountains are Calling and I Must Go: On Escapism, Instagram, and Road Rash
October 22, 2015 12:21 pm We don’t all have to bleed or travel to postcard-worthy places to remind ourselves that we are more capable than we think.
Aging Artfully
October 2, 2015 12:39 pm As we wonder how to age well, how to make it to our seventh generation and sit on the stage with our hats pulled low not as a display of hubris but for dramatic effect, it’s easy to wonder if we can learn from the mistakes our predecessors have made, or if we can only learn from them that mistakes will be made.
Never Forget
September 11, 2015 1:10 pm In an era where Moore’s Law is hopelessly outdated, nothing has surpassed the way that date and its imagery imprinted itself on all of our psyches.
A Vegetal Compulsion
August 7, 2015 1:57 pm And I have achieved something through a long and quite painful process that I didn’t realize I’d been longing for all along. Joan Didion put words to it when she said of Amado: “It seemed to me that day that I had never talked to anyone so direct and unembarrassed about the things he loved.”
Songs You Know by Heart: An Epitaph for Innocence
July 20, 2015 12:08 pm The plaintive echo of steel drums is reinforced by the Coral Reefers’ horn section. That particular melancholy of timpanis we’ve... View Article
There Aren’t Any Good Books About That
May 22, 2015 12:37 pm I was in my favorite book store in Texas the other night. It’s one of the biggest remaining in America.... View Article
Why You’d Want to Live Here
May 1, 2015 11:35 am It is only fitting that I return to Los Angeles hastily and under grey and cloudy skies. I have lost... View Article© JOHNTESI 2024 SITE BY ORCA