Categories for memoir

Seven Years of Hank

January 3, 2024 7:44 pm Published by

This week marks seven years of Hank. Highs and lows and tons of in-betweens. He’s been there with me when it felt like it was all over, and when I wished it could last forever. 

See What Sticks

October 31, 2023 6:48 pm Published by

The world we inhabit is quite good at sustaining life but not altogether good at encouraging aliveness.

Keeping Vigil

September 15, 2022 7:23 pm Published by

Is the duty of the living to honor the dead, or is it our fate to build new life off the backs of the anonymous billions who have gone before us?

Neighborhood Dogs

February 5, 2022 7:21 pm Published by

Not only are dogs more honest, in time they will tell us everything we need to know about the people they are associated with. Dogs always have a lot to teach us about ourselves. 

The Weight

September 6, 2021 10:02 pm Published by

Forty years ago, DDT was thinning bald eagle eggs to the point that a mama bird would crush her own brood while trying to incubate them. Finally, a few devout scientists proved this and changed the agricultural chemical industry for the marginally better. If only our mama birds recognized that the weight of their own skewed expectations were crushing us all to death. 

Bittersweet

May 10, 2021 4:38 pm Published by

Holding back doesn’t lessen the pain of the loss, but it sure as hell lessens the joy of the having.

Just Say It

March 30, 2021 4:37 pm Published by

There is no moral high ground, just the ugly work of growing, healing, becoming.

Spring Again

March 27, 2021 4:54 pm Published by

I want my joys to be total, my thirsts quenchable, my fears primal. Compounding interest and the calculated torments of the internet make a hungry wolf sound downright friendly. 

Moving and Staying Still

February 20, 2021 7:15 pm Published by

The most unnatural thing we can do is ignore the calling to draw near and reflect, to suppress the urge to go out and seek, to demand a sameness from our souls that robs them of the very quality which makes them soulful.

Leery of Contentment

August 12, 2020 11:17 pm Published by

The progress addict is leery of contentment, for it threatens the need to constantly be falling forwards.

You Won’t See Me

July 23, 2020 11:15 pm Published by

Being an expert in solitude has its costs. You play the long game, accustomed to the sense that there is nothing rushing you to act. And then a forceful suitor swoops in, a lease runs out, bills come up due. Day turns to night, and so it does until another year has passed. The world waits for no one.

Taller’n the Grass

May 12, 2020 5:22 pm Published by

Like the rootbound plant which withers when set free, we adapt to the particular habitat that sustains us.

Nostalgia

April 22, 2020 5:35 pm Published by

Nostalgia is the truest form of grief. It washes over us with deceptive warm waves of comfort and familiarity, reaching out with open arms to welcome us to the throes of something that never was.

I Can’t Believe This is Happening to Me

February 24, 2020 7:06 pm Published by

Oftentimes, the reality of life is difficult to believe. Not only is truth stranger than fiction, but there is a noteworthy disconnect between our expectations, our perceptions, and the unflinching march of time.

No Depression

February 4, 2020 6:12 pm Published by

The word ‘depressed’ is ridiculously complicated. Not that any word in any language means just one thing, but few words mean more things than depression. Everything from measurable chemical imbalances to tropical storm systems to underperforming stock markets can lead to depression.

As Good As It Gets

July 21, 2019 11:48 pm Published by

When someone says “This is as good as it gets,” what connotation does that have for you? What about if they ask, “Is this as good as it gets?”

Disappearing Act

August 7, 2018 2:20 pm Published by

Life does not ask if you want to see a dead body dredged from a river on your bike ride or if you want to wake up one day and realize that most everyone you thought you might marry someday is now engaged to someone else or if you were ready for another year to be two-thirds over, for everyone you love to be two-thirds a year older, for your checking account to be two-thirds a year emptier. The disappearing act forces you to put your thoughts in a centrifuge in a noise-cancelling vacuum and distill them and listen to them until you are aware just what they are.

A Nightmare is Still a Dream

August 2, 2018 4:09 pm Published by

I do not need distractions or white picket fences. I need to write. I need to push myself to the limits so I have something to say. And I need to read what others have said, that I may remember the vague, gnawing feelings I have all day have names.

Being Alive

July 16, 2018 6:39 pm Published by

Existing is a fickle thing, some combination of biological bare-minimums and feeling profoundly satisfied which ultimately makes us who we... View Article

Roadkill.

June 4, 2018 12:59 pm Published by

It might change people if they would stare at roadkill instead of averting their eyes.

Injuring Eternity

May 23, 2018 4:53 pm Published by

I hate circling dates on the calendar, because it always creates a disproportionate sense of the value of a given day.

Hurry Up and Teach Me the Lesson

March 14, 2018 5:07 pm Published by

There is a yearning within all of us to find more joy in a simple evening stroll than in a new Porsche, but there is also a reluctance which holds us back. We can work hard and save our shekels and buy the one, but the other requires solemn introspection and much harder work, and nothing which can be bought with ink on a dotted line. And that is what writing and conversation and coffee and whiskey are all about; it is why we must make a thousand words out of the way the sunlight dances along the sidewalk during the evening dog walk

Bear Country

February 27, 2018 12:17 pm Published by

In a way, it is a refreshing feeling to be constantly aware of your surroundings, to know what it is you are most afraid of. To have a common fear with all fellow men, to have a lingua franca that everyone speaks about dangers and preparations and the haughty laughs we must have if we are to survive it at all. In the Yukon, everyone has a bear story or ten. In Alaska, people speak more in “how bad” bears are than whether there are bears at all.

Situational Irony

February 20, 2018 12:59 pm Published by

I am fascinated by our variable tolerances; when it comes to solitude, silence, loneliness, or discomfort, we react violently and... View Article

New Year, Some Words

January 4, 2018 12:43 pm Published by

If there is one thing I have learned in more or less the last calendar year, it is that we are at our best when we can hold our own worst thoughts and fears in our hands at arm’s length and stare at them until they look less ugly and less daunting; less like shackles and more like spurs.

The Arctic Ocean

November 1, 2017 1:56 pm Published by

in this moment, I stood still and shivering and let reality wash over me and blow into my core. It is hysterical how little marketing influences you or how much some other human’s selfish decisions can affect your faith or resolve when you are standing with your toes in the Arctic Ocean.

The Bearded Ones

October 24, 2017 11:50 am Published by

If there is one quality that I’ve been told I possess which I’m finally starting to truly believe, it’s that I still get as excited as a child about lizards and automobiles and carnivorous plants and, as it turns out, muskoxen. I think this is my number one greatest survival skill, because it gives me the upper hand over any number of existential crises, chemical imbalances, and structural damages that may otherwise rob me of much desire to proceed.

Peeing in the Arctic Circle

October 11, 2017 2:58 pm Published by

I stood there in a long sleeve T-shirt and blue jeans, exposed in all the most vulnerable ways to the elements, and felt a certain type of ridiculous freedom that men often chase their entire lives. One would never explicitly state that they aspire to something as trite as peeing atop Atiguin Pass, but that may be part of the problem.

Explanations.

September 26, 2017 12:20 pm Published by

I snapped a few photos and then resumed staring at the otherworldly glow, pining after a sip or two of whiskey which was never offered and cursing the clouds that seemed to roll in right as the Lights intensified.

Don’t You Ever Get Lonely?

August 31, 2017 7:11 pm Published by

I stood and let conditioned fear course through my veins and simply observed it from a few feet above my body. For all of these misguided warnings, there I was, completely, utterly alone and more alive than ever. Not even the smallest bone in my body felt lonely in that moment.

In Lieu of the Cosmos

August 26, 2017 4:33 pm Published by

We pulled into the shallows, and the dizzying pace of the water just beyond the barrier island gave me something to focus on. “I think that big eclipse is starting right around now,” I offered. “What eclipse?” he asked me.

Fifteen Minutes from Alaska

August 24, 2017 9:51 pm Published by

These snippets are always taken out of context, and they often make others feel inferior and the sharer feel isolated, as if their reality isn’t living up to outsiders’ expectations of it. Happiness is not guaranteed by the sight of snow-capped mountains, though they are never unwelcome. A smile in a moment does not tell the full story. One does not and cannot cross a border or climb a mountain every second of their lives.

Welcome to Alaska

August 15, 2017 4:30 pm Published by

These intersections of theoretical and physical delight me to no end, and I wanted to ask an international legal expert all kinds of questions about what might happen in any number of potential scenarios in this exact spot. 

Space & Time and the Final Frontier

August 11, 2017 6:08 pm Published by

It is healthy to have our schema shattered repeatedly. It creates a certain open-mindedness and healthy humility. It separates us from the crippling weight of individual situations and frees us from the sense that basic outcomes may dictate our entire lives in a hubristically finite set of options. Every mile covered by the Land Cruiser is earned in a way that would seem blessedly easy to Lewis or Clark or Muir, no matter how brutish they may feel at the time. Every time I believe myself close to an understanding or even a point on a map, I secretly relish being crushed or at least corrected.

The Crossroads

July 29, 2017 3:43 pm Published by

This was a literal crossroads that felt aggressively metaphorical. I wanted to curse the very road junction itself for pointing in all directions and inviting us to follow them wherever they may lead...

Lonely at the Top

July 15, 2017 2:36 pm Published by

She knew who I was because I had called in to secure a spot and presumably nobody else had done so that day. I was given the keys and a brief rundown of the area, Hank was given a few dog treats and knocked over a stand of s’mores skewers. It was all so matter of fact and immediate that Los Angeles felt even further than 846 miles away.

Two Steps Back

July 13, 2017 6:08 pm Published by

A series of machinations led to another, even younger-looking tow truck driver appearing some 30 minutes after we first arrived.... View Article

The Middle of Nowhere

July 5, 2017 3:44 pm Published by

“The middle of nowhere” is a loaded idiom. It’s a vague-yet-precise phrase that invokes a certain situation or location, and which could be positive or negative depending on who says it. It offers up visions of amber waves and orange plateaus, of abandoned filling stations and faded glimpses of the past’s future. It is a place devoid of the decades of social construction required to populate a city with its traps and trappings.

A Bar at the End of the World

April 13, 2017 4:48 pm Published by

Sometimes you see something furry and want to touch it, whether it’s a puppy or someone’s velvet jacket. Sometimes you let a bartender plan the majority of your day with no idea of what you’re agreeing to.

Darkness, Light, and a Sunset in Maine

April 4, 2017 12:19 pm Published by

This moment turned out to be a subtle turning point in the narrative. Since picking up the Land Cruiser and having a hilarious Saint Paddy’s Day that was blessedly free of self-awareness sabotaging my enjoyment, I now presented the trip as not just a salve for the pained brain clanging around in my head but also as a concerted effort to rediscover the simple joys that make me who I am and thusly make me worth spending any time around.

A Place to Call Home: The Almost-Ghosttown of Centralia, Pennsylvania

March 27, 2017 1:32 pm Published by

Signs stood in the trees warning hunters not to hunt in this area. We were quite near a State Game Land, of which Pennsylvania has many, and I suppose if you spent enough time in the woods and chased a deer far enough, you could wind up here. Of course, if you missed, your rifle shot might go through one of the remaining houses in Centralia. Or its sharp crack may just be the straw that breaks the asphalt’s back and sends you or the deer into a deep, hot hole.

Cartography

March 22, 2017 11:11 am Published by

Arriving in a new city by night is always a confusing experience, made all the more surreal by the biting cold and sound-deadening snow that blanketed the town on Saint Patrick’s Friday. Aside from brief breaks for fuel and key exchanges, I’d last stood on solid ground in Manhattan, which made this quietude a special blessing and also a shock to an addled system.

Making Moves

March 6, 2017 5:52 pm Published by

Nothing will snap me out of my hypnogogic trance faster than someone telling me that I have more interests or dreams than they do. I will fiercely accost a perfect stranger because I believe so firmly in the human imagination and the childlike whimsy that resides somewhere inside every one of us.

The Stories We Long to Tell

February 9, 2017 10:06 am Published by

I don’t want to tell myself a story about the woods while sitting under fluorescent lights in a cubicle somewhere far away from them. We needn’t delude ourselves that our masterpieces are just a few months away, if only we keep biding time.

DILLIGAF?

January 24, 2017 5:29 pm Published by

Somewhere between the dutiful and the nihilistic is the sense that none of us make it out alive, but many of us are never even fully alive.

You Can’t Fire Me, I Quit

January 9, 2017 4:28 pm Published by

Even though I’ve made so many dramatic moves towards living out my dream, I still often doubt my own agency and potential for happiness.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

October 17, 2016 11:14 am Published by

The vulnerability offered up and time taken to compliment a laugh or share some commonality in written words is a beautiful thing, and every bit of it makes me want to pour myself into my writing and the people I meet a trillion times more.

No Regrets

October 7, 2016 11:56 am Published by

There is a difference between having no regrets and learning to live with them.

The Facts So Far

October 5, 2016 11:40 am Published by

The details of my road trip thus far. Less stories, more facts and figures.

Never Forget

September 11, 2015 1:10 pm Published by

In an era where Moore’s Law is hopelessly outdated, nothing has surpassed the way that date and its imagery imprinted itself on all of our psyches.