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Trip to the Bottom
April 20, 2024 10:31 pm The wind howls, the snow falls, and the world tells me that even though I may not have a home, I must seek shelter. Today, that’s the guest room of a single mother’s gorgeous house in Flagstaff. Tomorrow, a canvas tent on the Colorado Plateau.
Desert Dispatches
January 15, 2024 5:36 am It feels much better to be up here, not an apex predator, not quite comfortably numb, using all my senses. I stop to crouch and study the sand.
Seven Years of Hank
January 3, 2024 7:44 pm This week marks seven years of Hank. Highs and lows and tons of in-betweens. He’s been there with me when it felt like it was all over, and when I wished it could last forever.
Maybe We Deserve Dogs
November 28, 2023 6:01 am I think about the common human refrain, we don’t deserve dogs. And I largely agree. But then I remember that it doesn’t have to be this way.
See What Sticks
October 31, 2023 6:48 pm The world we inhabit is quite good at sustaining life but not altogether good at encouraging aliveness.
Time Saved
October 26, 2023 8:39 pm
Game of Fetch
October 2, 2023 10:06 pm It is so hard to set oneself free from the comforts and fears we know. Maybe it is only when the body reaches terminal velocity that we realize a new haircut or a whole new life would’ve been a lot less scary than the elaborate confines of the mind.
Sowing Seeds
May 5, 2023 12:24 am Perhaps what I struggle with the most is finding that freedom. Freedom to be proud of what I’m building, freedom to build what I want to.
Deprogramming
September 24, 2022 5:57 pm That is the ultimate appeal of clickbait headlines about hookers and blow, of Alexander Supertramp lighting his substantial inherited wealth on fire somewhere in the desert. We fantasize about being rockstars, firefighters, farmers, poets. We want to be who we were, before it all changed.
Keeping Vigil
September 15, 2022 7:23 pm Is the duty of the living to honor the dead, or is it our fate to build new life off the backs of the anonymous billions who have gone before us?
Filtered Through the Finite
June 14, 2022 7:50 pm There is something about life that feels more beautiful when it is strained through the filter of the finite. Some part of our beings is best at appreciating the good when we know it is running out.
There’s a War On
March 30, 2022 7:11 pm The fear and mistrust of joy is a very natural human response to an illogical world.
Neighborhood Dogs
February 5, 2022 7:21 pm Not only are dogs more honest, in time they will tell us everything we need to know about the people they are associated with. Dogs always have a lot to teach us about ourselves.
Picture Perfect
February 3, 2022 9:11 pm How many layers of a “picture perfect life” are our true selves buried beneath? Perhaps the most pervasive question in my confusing life is which version of myself is the realest and where the edge between righteous discontent and selfish ingratitude really is.
Different Stillness
January 4, 2022 4:51 am It costs us nothing to dream, it costs us everything to learn that we were dreaming the wrong thing.
The Weight
September 6, 2021 10:02 pm Forty years ago, DDT was thinning bald eagle eggs to the point that a mama bird would crush her own brood while trying to incubate them. Finally, a few devout scientists proved this and changed the agricultural chemical industry for the marginally better. If only our mama birds recognized that the weight of their own skewed expectations were crushing us all to death.
Spilling Blood
July 24, 2021 1:32 am It is strangely soothing to feel the adrenaline surging towards the wound and to see the inner workings bubbling up to the surface. Perhaps this is the epitome of the conscious living experience, to have a few fleeting moments of heightened awareness where what’s before us is razor-sharp and what’s behind us is gone.
Bittersweet
May 10, 2021 4:38 pm Holding back doesn’t lessen the pain of the loss, but it sure as hell lessens the joy of the having.
Tattoos
April 4, 2021 10:09 pm We need physicality, need to feel some presence and ownership in the bodies we inhabit. Without it, the mind will run rampant, will run away with itself and constantly try to leave the flesh behind.
Just Say It
March 30, 2021 4:37 pm There is no moral high ground, just the ugly work of growing, healing, becoming.
Spring Again
March 27, 2021 4:54 pm I want my joys to be total, my thirsts quenchable, my fears primal. Compounding interest and the calculated torments of the internet make a hungry wolf sound downright friendly.
Moving and Staying Still
February 20, 2021 7:15 pm The most unnatural thing we can do is ignore the calling to draw near and reflect, to suppress the urge to go out and seek, to demand a sameness from our souls that robs them of the very quality which makes them soulful.
Going Nowhere
February 17, 2021 11:19 pm These times, the only place you have to go is within. The only people you can eavesdrop live within your own mind, and people will tell you that hearing voices makes you crazy.
So hard to live the dream
February 2, 2021 9:50 pm I can see it all so clearly, it torments me in my sleeping dreams. Slips away when I awake. It is no closer or farther, but duties and doubts don’t have much power in the REM world.
No Horns
January 12, 2021 6:02 pm
On the Border of Lonely
December 16, 2020 6:58 pm Where I stand, the world is quiet. Wind whispers through the ocotillos and the mesquite trees, its song through the thorns cooing the memories of love that hurts to remember and hurts to forget. There’s a ghost beside me, the absence of a soul to share these sights with.
Leaves
October 23, 2020 9:02 pm We yearn to show our true colors, to display our brightest greens and most vivid yellows, to gracefully grow through the seasons of life for the audience we treasure. Perhaps even to see ourselves become what we are destined to be, to feel pride at who we are.
Things that happen
October 23, 2020 8:32 pm
Smoke
September 18, 2020 9:24 pm And indeed, my flesh is increasingly made of the smoke that our society has created. It is not just routine incense of aspen and pine. It is acrid smoke, spreading across an entire continent, filled with bits of electrical wiring and industrial paint, finer and lighter than ever because the vegetation is so dry.
Depression Headache
August 31, 2020 4:18 am When I talk to friends, it is via a telephone screen, which physiologically contributes to headaches and psychologically contributes to isolation.
Leery of Contentment
August 12, 2020 11:17 pm The progress addict is leery of contentment, for it threatens the need to constantly be falling forwards.
You Won’t See Me
July 23, 2020 11:15 pm Being an expert in solitude has its costs. You play the long game, accustomed to the sense that there is nothing rushing you to act. And then a forceful suitor swoops in, a lease runs out, bills come up due. Day turns to night, and so it does until another year has passed. The world waits for no one.
Taller’n the Grass
May 12, 2020 5:22 pm Like the rootbound plant which withers when set free, we adapt to the particular habitat that sustains us.
Nostalgia
April 22, 2020 5:35 pm Nostalgia is the truest form of grief. It washes over us with deceptive warm waves of comfort and familiarity, reaching out with open arms to welcome us to the throes of something that never was.
Near Death Experience
March 9, 2020 6:15 pm The near death experience may be the moment before the fall is halted by the ground, it may be the first tumble when everything is pain and ringing noises and a flash of white light. Or it may be what happens months, or even years, later. It has nothing to do with injuries or lightning strikes or natural gas leaks. The more comfortable we get and the further from our dreams we stray, the nearer to death we truly become.
I Can’t Believe This is Happening to Me
February 24, 2020 7:06 pm Oftentimes, the reality of life is difficult to believe. Not only is truth stranger than fiction, but there is a noteworthy disconnect between our expectations, our perceptions, and the unflinching march of time.
No Depression
February 4, 2020 6:12 pm The word ‘depressed’ is ridiculously complicated. Not that any word in any language means just one thing, but few words mean more things than depression. Everything from measurable chemical imbalances to tropical storm systems to underperforming stock markets can lead to depression.
We Live in a Simulation
January 31, 2020 8:29 pm For all the advancements our society has made, the world still rewards those who can separate their conscience from their actions. Close the deal, shoot the wounded, put profit before people. There is not a visible cosmic arbiter of justice and this means only that one’s ingrained sense of right and wrong is a hindrance in the earthly realm.
Lost in Translation
January 27, 2020 7:39 pm Ultimately, we are confined to the languages we share with others. The spoken and written languages of the world. The things we trade in. The artistic media that leave everything open to interpretation yet create fleeting bits of solace and solidarity.
Measurements
January 6, 2020 9:05 pm Somewhere between January and December, between sunrise and sunset, life turns into a series of processes that can rob the days of their original potential. From the alarm clock to clocking in, the hours tick away marked by a ceaseless process that forces us into line.
A Dearth of Solitude
September 9, 2019 5:40 pm Without profound solitude, everything else feels frivolous at best. After a while, no distraction is as satisfying as not being distracted.
As Good As It Gets
July 21, 2019 11:48 pm When someone says “This is as good as it gets,” what connotation does that have for you? What about if they ask, “Is this as good as it gets?”
Shreddin’
April 29, 2019 2:00 am I often notice myself feeling leery of promise because it contains a tremendous amount of kinetic energy. It is why I like to be like a rolling stone, neither gathering moss nor bothered much by the rough and tumble of rolling downhill.
Rust
March 10, 2019 8:39 pm Through the eroding power of time and numbing experiences, these days the inputs have to be somewhat stronger to come through. Connections corrode with time and rust is simply a protective shell for the fresh parts beneath it.
Beat
February 19, 2019 8:31 pm I was that blessed level of empty that only comes from efforts which push us to the brink.
Beneath the Stars
February 1, 2019 8:52 pm Everyone is so afraid of sharing a spork and sleeping on the ground that they forget to be afraid of what happens when they think themselves above such things.
Spending Time
December 14, 2018 8:46 pm Spending money you don’t really have on other people feels like a desperate post-capitalistic mating ritual. Spending money you don’t really have on yourself is a perfect reminder of the relative value of currency.
Bumpy Roads
December 2, 2018 7:42 pm By the time we realize bumps could jolt us back awake after the smoothness becomes dangerously hypnotizing, it is too... View Article
Where the Brain Goes.
November 26, 2018 8:25 pm You should never admit these things, especially not in writing, because it is a weakness, a liability, a pox on... View Article
Seasons
November 15, 2018 6:41 pm Feeling the seasons change is surreal, because it always brings with it a rushing nostalgia and a helpless terror. The... View Article
Empty
November 2, 2018 5:34 pm Emptiness has a nearly universal negative connotation. It is forced to duke it out with its syntactical opposition ‘half full,’... View Article
Butterflies
October 24, 2018 7:32 pm My mind flashes back to that ride in the Ozarks, when fast-driving cars plowed through fluttering butterflies, when I stopped... View Article
Where It All Ends
September 26, 2018 3:23 pm It was hard to imagine two people trying very hard at anything after being paid that much to show up.
Disappearing Act
August 7, 2018 2:20 pm Life does not ask if you want to see a dead body dredged from a river on your bike ride or if you want to wake up one day and realize that most everyone you thought you might marry someday is now engaged to someone else or if you were ready for another year to be two-thirds over, for everyone you love to be two-thirds a year older, for your checking account to be two-thirds a year emptier. The disappearing act forces you to put your thoughts in a centrifuge in a noise-cancelling vacuum and distill them and listen to them until you are aware just what they are.
A Nightmare is Still a Dream
August 2, 2018 4:09 pm I do not need distractions or white picket fences. I need to write. I need to push myself to the limits so I have something to say. And I need to read what others have said, that I may remember the vague, gnawing feelings I have all day have names.
Being Alive
July 16, 2018 6:39 pm Existing is a fickle thing, some combination of biological bare-minimums and feeling profoundly satisfied which ultimately makes us who we... View Article
Roadkill.
June 4, 2018 12:59 pm It might change people if they would stare at roadkill instead of averting their eyes.© JOHNTESI 2024 SITE BY ORCA