Tag Archive: photography

Desert Dispatches

January 15, 2024 5:36 am Published by

It feels much better to be up here, not an apex predator, not quite comfortably numb, using all my senses. I stop to crouch and study the sand.

Seven Years of Hank

January 3, 2024 7:44 pm Published by

This week marks seven years of Hank. Highs and lows and tons of in-betweens. He’s been there with me when it felt like it was all over, and when I wished it could last forever. 

Maybe We Deserve Dogs

November 28, 2023 6:01 am Published by

I think about the common human refrain, we don’t deserve dogs. And I largely agree. But then I remember that it doesn’t have to be this way.

See What Sticks

October 31, 2023 6:48 pm Published by

The world we inhabit is quite good at sustaining life but not altogether good at encouraging aliveness.

Game of Fetch

October 2, 2023 10:06 pm Published by

It is so hard to set oneself free from the comforts and fears we know. Maybe it is only when the body reaches terminal velocity that we realize a new haircut or a whole new life would’ve been a lot less scary than the elaborate confines of the mind. 

Sowing Seeds

May 5, 2023 12:24 am Published by

Perhaps what I struggle with the most is finding that freedom. Freedom to be proud of what I’m building, freedom to build what I want to.

Deprogramming

September 24, 2022 5:57 pm Published by

That is the ultimate appeal of clickbait headlines about hookers and blow, of Alexander Supertramp lighting his substantial inherited wealth on fire somewhere in the desert. We fantasize about being rockstars, firefighters, farmers, poets. We want to be who we were, before it all changed.

Keeping Vigil

September 15, 2022 7:23 pm Published by

Is the duty of the living to honor the dead, or is it our fate to build new life off the backs of the anonymous billions who have gone before us?

Filtered Through the Finite

June 14, 2022 7:50 pm Published by

There is something about life that feels more beautiful when it is strained through the filter of the finite. Some part of our beings is best at appreciating the good when we know it is running out.

Picture Perfect

February 3, 2022 9:11 pm Published by

How many layers of a “picture perfect life” are our true selves buried beneath?  Perhaps the most pervasive question in my confusing life is which version of myself is the realest and where the edge between righteous discontent and selfish ingratitude really is. 

Different Stillness

January 4, 2022 4:51 am Published by

It costs us nothing to dream, it costs us everything to learn that we were dreaming the wrong thing. 

Spilling Blood

July 24, 2021 1:32 am Published by

It is strangely soothing to feel the adrenaline surging towards the wound and to see the inner workings bubbling up to the surface. Perhaps this is the epitome of the conscious living experience, to have a few fleeting moments of heightened awareness where what’s before us is razor-sharp and what’s behind us is gone.

Just Say It

March 30, 2021 4:37 pm Published by

There is no moral high ground, just the ugly work of growing, healing, becoming.

Spring Again

March 27, 2021 4:54 pm Published by

I want my joys to be total, my thirsts quenchable, my fears primal. Compounding interest and the calculated torments of the internet make a hungry wolf sound downright friendly. 

Moving and Staying Still

February 20, 2021 7:15 pm Published by

The most unnatural thing we can do is ignore the calling to draw near and reflect, to suppress the urge to go out and seek, to demand a sameness from our souls that robs them of the very quality which makes them soulful.

Going Nowhere

February 17, 2021 11:19 pm Published by

These times, the only place you have to go is within. The only people you can eavesdrop live within your own mind, and people will tell you that hearing voices makes you crazy.

So hard to live the dream

February 2, 2021 9:50 pm Published by

I can see it all so clearly, it torments me in my sleeping dreams. Slips away when I awake. It is no closer or farther, but duties and doubts don’t have much power in the REM world.

On the Border of Lonely

December 16, 2020 6:58 pm Published by

Where I stand, the world is quiet. Wind whispers through the ocotillos and the mesquite trees, its song through the thorns cooing the memories of love that hurts to remember and hurts to forget. There’s a ghost beside me, the absence of a soul to share these sights with.

Leaves

October 23, 2020 9:02 pm Published by

We yearn to show our true colors, to display our brightest greens and most vivid yellows, to gracefully grow through the seasons of life for the audience we treasure. Perhaps even to see ourselves become what we are destined to be, to feel pride at who we are. 

Smoke

September 18, 2020 9:24 pm Published by

And indeed, my flesh is increasingly made of the smoke that our society has created. It is not just routine incense of aspen and pine. It is acrid smoke, spreading across an entire continent, filled with bits of electrical wiring and industrial paint, finer and lighter than ever because the vegetation is so dry.

Depression Headache

August 31, 2020 4:18 am Published by

When I talk to friends, it is via a telephone screen, which physiologically contributes to headaches and psychologically contributes to isolation.

Leery of Contentment

August 12, 2020 11:17 pm Published by

The progress addict is leery of contentment, for it threatens the need to constantly be falling forwards.

You Won’t See Me

July 23, 2020 11:15 pm Published by

Being an expert in solitude has its costs. You play the long game, accustomed to the sense that there is nothing rushing you to act. And then a forceful suitor swoops in, a lease runs out, bills come up due. Day turns to night, and so it does until another year has passed. The world waits for no one.

Taller’n the Grass

May 12, 2020 5:22 pm Published by

Like the rootbound plant which withers when set free, we adapt to the particular habitat that sustains us.

Nostalgia

April 22, 2020 5:35 pm Published by

Nostalgia is the truest form of grief. It washes over us with deceptive warm waves of comfort and familiarity, reaching out with open arms to welcome us to the throes of something that never was.

Near Death Experience

March 9, 2020 6:15 pm Published by

The near death experience may be the moment before the fall is halted by the ground, it may be the first tumble when everything is pain and ringing noises and a flash of white light. Or it may be what happens months, or even years, later. It has nothing to do with injuries or lightning strikes or natural gas leaks. The more comfortable we get and the further from our dreams we stray, the nearer to death we truly become.

I Can’t Believe This is Happening to Me

February 24, 2020 7:06 pm Published by

Oftentimes, the reality of life is difficult to believe. Not only is truth stranger than fiction, but there is a noteworthy disconnect between our expectations, our perceptions, and the unflinching march of time.

The Hope Myth

February 7, 2020 6:43 pm Published by

There is a pervasive myth in humanity that the best way to get through life is with hope of a better tomorrow.

No Depression

February 4, 2020 6:12 pm Published by

The word ‘depressed’ is ridiculously complicated. Not that any word in any language means just one thing, but few words mean more things than depression. Everything from measurable chemical imbalances to tropical storm systems to underperforming stock markets can lead to depression.

We Live in a Simulation

January 31, 2020 8:29 pm Published by

For all the advancements our society has made, the world still rewards those who can separate their conscience from their actions. Close the deal, shoot the wounded, put profit before people. There is not a visible cosmic arbiter of justice and this means only that one’s ingrained sense of right and wrong is a hindrance in the earthly realm.

Lost in Translation

January 27, 2020 7:39 pm Published by

Ultimately, we are confined to the languages we share with others. The spoken and written languages of the world. The things we trade in. The artistic media that leave everything open to interpretation yet create fleeting bits of solace and solidarity.

Measurements

January 6, 2020 9:05 pm Published by

Somewhere between January and December, between sunrise and sunset, life turns into a series of processes that can rob the days of their original potential. From the alarm clock to clocking in, the hours tick away marked by a ceaseless process that forces us into line.

A Dearth of Solitude

September 9, 2019 5:40 pm Published by

Without profound solitude, everything else feels frivolous at best. After a while, no distraction is as satisfying as not being distracted.

As Good As It Gets

July 21, 2019 11:48 pm Published by

When someone says “This is as good as it gets,” what connotation does that have for you? What about if they ask, “Is this as good as it gets?”

Rust

March 10, 2019 8:39 pm Published by

Through the eroding power of time and numbing experiences, these days the inputs have to be somewhat stronger to come through. Connections corrode with time and rust is simply a protective shell for the fresh parts beneath it.

Beat

February 19, 2019 8:31 pm Published by

I was that blessed level of empty that only comes from efforts which push us to the brink.

Beneath the Stars

February 1, 2019 8:52 pm Published by

Everyone is so afraid of sharing a spork and sleeping on the ground that they forget to be afraid of what happens when they think themselves above such things.

Spending Time

December 14, 2018 8:46 pm Published by

Spending money you don’t really have on other people feels like a desperate post-capitalistic mating ritual. Spending money you don’t really have on yourself is a perfect reminder of the relative value of currency.

Seasons

November 15, 2018 6:41 pm Published by

Feeling the seasons change is surreal, because it always brings with it a rushing nostalgia and a helpless terror. The... View Article

Empty

November 2, 2018 5:34 pm Published by

Emptiness has a nearly universal negative connotation. It is forced to duke it out with its syntactical opposition ‘half full,’... View Article

Butterflies

October 24, 2018 7:32 pm Published by

My mind flashes back to that ride in the Ozarks, when fast-driving cars plowed through fluttering butterflies, when I stopped... View Article

Where It All Ends

September 26, 2018 3:23 pm Published by

It was hard to imagine two people trying very hard at anything after being paid that much to show up.

Disappearing Act

August 7, 2018 2:20 pm Published by

Life does not ask if you want to see a dead body dredged from a river on your bike ride or if you want to wake up one day and realize that most everyone you thought you might marry someday is now engaged to someone else or if you were ready for another year to be two-thirds over, for everyone you love to be two-thirds a year older, for your checking account to be two-thirds a year emptier. The disappearing act forces you to put your thoughts in a centrifuge in a noise-cancelling vacuum and distill them and listen to them until you are aware just what they are.

A Nightmare is Still a Dream

August 2, 2018 4:09 pm Published by

I do not need distractions or white picket fences. I need to write. I need to push myself to the limits so I have something to say. And I need to read what others have said, that I may remember the vague, gnawing feelings I have all day have names.

Being Alive

July 16, 2018 6:39 pm Published by

Existing is a fickle thing, some combination of biological bare-minimums and feeling profoundly satisfied which ultimately makes us who we... View Article

Injuring Eternity

May 23, 2018 4:53 pm Published by

I hate circling dates on the calendar, because it always creates a disproportionate sense of the value of a given day.

Watering the Plants

May 4, 2018 11:33 am Published by

Spending too much time thinking may have its downsides, but that is only if you subscribe to the notion that there is such thing as “spending too much time thinking.”

Hurry Up and Teach Me the Lesson

March 14, 2018 5:07 pm Published by

There is a yearning within all of us to find more joy in a simple evening stroll than in a new Porsche, but there is also a reluctance which holds us back. We can work hard and save our shekels and buy the one, but the other requires solemn introspection and much harder work, and nothing which can be bought with ink on a dotted line. And that is what writing and conversation and coffee and whiskey are all about; it is why we must make a thousand words out of the way the sunlight dances along the sidewalk during the evening dog walk

Bear Country

February 27, 2018 12:17 pm Published by

In a way, it is a refreshing feeling to be constantly aware of your surroundings, to know what it is you are most afraid of. To have a common fear with all fellow men, to have a lingua franca that everyone speaks about dangers and preparations and the haughty laughs we must have if we are to survive it at all. In the Yukon, everyone has a bear story or ten. In Alaska, people speak more in “how bad” bears are than whether there are bears at all.

Situational Irony

February 20, 2018 12:59 pm Published by

I am fascinated by our variable tolerances; when it comes to solitude, silence, loneliness, or discomfort, we react violently and... View Article

Sutherland Springs

February 11, 2018 12:34 pm Published by

As time passes, I am stricken by many things: the urgency a brush with death places upon us. Our ability to normalize and gloss over such a traumatic experience in order to ‘move on.’ The way survival is so fickle and random that it can all feel very pointless or extraordinarily meaningful. The difference a day makes.

The Year of the Dog: A Love Letter

January 15, 2018 1:54 pm Published by

We gradually fade from sharp-toothed puppy to hyperactive youngin’ to sleeping eighteen hours a day, and as is the nature of existing, we only really notice our most current state of being. A senior dog fades into the background and then occasionally surprises us with a half snarl or a flash of the spunk that used to wear us down through sheer quantity of energy. An old friend falls through the cracks as we see enough glimpses of them looking happy on the internet that we forget to check in and actually talk. The best moments of our life slowly fade into the shadows until we neither remember nor forget them; they are simply there until a tragedy brings them into high relief and we remember them wistfully.

Echoes and Howls

December 16, 2017 6:27 pm Published by

I hoisted my knee up over the edge and we stood, above the Canyon once more, fierce winds howling in our ears, reminding us just how precarious standing atop a slick hoodoo is. But, everything is precarious in its own way. Is it not better to bring that to light instead of trying to hide it in the shadows?

Peeing in the Arctic Circle

October 11, 2017 2:58 pm Published by

I stood there in a long sleeve T-shirt and blue jeans, exposed in all the most vulnerable ways to the elements, and felt a certain type of ridiculous freedom that men often chase their entire lives. One would never explicitly state that they aspire to something as trite as peeing atop Atiguin Pass, but that may be part of the problem.

Explanations.

September 26, 2017 12:20 pm Published by

I snapped a few photos and then resumed staring at the otherworldly glow, pining after a sip or two of whiskey which was never offered and cursing the clouds that seemed to roll in right as the Lights intensified.

Breaking Your Own Rules

September 9, 2017 2:06 pm Published by

"On the road again, kissing toes and meeting the characters who make Dawson such a vibrant enclave, I was forced to acknowledge the joy which supersedes the easy checklist items I was racing towards. Items which will always be there, which serve a purpose but do not provide one."

In Lieu of the Cosmos

August 26, 2017 4:33 pm Published by

We pulled into the shallows, and the dizzying pace of the water just beyond the barrier island gave me something to focus on. “I think that big eclipse is starting right around now,” I offered. “What eclipse?” he asked me.

Fifteen Minutes from Alaska

August 24, 2017 9:51 pm Published by

These snippets are always taken out of context, and they often make others feel inferior and the sharer feel isolated, as if their reality isn’t living up to outsiders’ expectations of it. Happiness is not guaranteed by the sight of snow-capped mountains, though they are never unwelcome. A smile in a moment does not tell the full story. One does not and cannot cross a border or climb a mountain every second of their lives.

Welcome to Alaska

August 15, 2017 4:30 pm Published by

These intersections of theoretical and physical delight me to no end, and I wanted to ask an international legal expert all kinds of questions about what might happen in any number of potential scenarios in this exact spot. 

The Crossroads

July 29, 2017 3:43 pm Published by

This was a literal crossroads that felt aggressively metaphorical. I wanted to curse the very road junction itself for pointing in all directions and inviting us to follow them wherever they may lead...

Lonely at the Top

July 15, 2017 2:36 pm Published by

She knew who I was because I had called in to secure a spot and presumably nobody else had done so that day. I was given the keys and a brief rundown of the area, Hank was given a few dog treats and knocked over a stand of s’mores skewers. It was all so matter of fact and immediate that Los Angeles felt even further than 846 miles away.

A Bar at the End of the World

April 13, 2017 4:48 pm Published by

Sometimes you see something furry and want to touch it, whether it’s a puppy or someone’s velvet jacket. Sometimes you let a bartender plan the majority of your day with no idea of what you’re agreeing to.

Darkness, Light, and a Sunset in Maine

April 4, 2017 12:19 pm Published by

This moment turned out to be a subtle turning point in the narrative. Since picking up the Land Cruiser and having a hilarious Saint Paddy’s Day that was blessedly free of self-awareness sabotaging my enjoyment, I now presented the trip as not just a salve for the pained brain clanging around in my head but also as a concerted effort to rediscover the simple joys that make me who I am and thusly make me worth spending any time around.