Tag Archive: mental health

Maybe We Deserve Dogs

November 28, 2023 6:01 am Published by

I think about the common human refrain, we don’t deserve dogs. And I largely agree. But then I remember that it doesn’t have to be this way.

Game of Fetch

October 2, 2023 10:06 pm Published by

It is so hard to set oneself free from the comforts and fears we know. Maybe it is only when the body reaches terminal velocity that we realize a new haircut or a whole new life would’ve been a lot less scary than the elaborate confines of the mind. 

Sowing Seeds

May 5, 2023 12:24 am Published by

Perhaps what I struggle with the most is finding that freedom. Freedom to be proud of what I’m building, freedom to build what I want to.

Deprogramming

September 24, 2022 5:57 pm Published by

That is the ultimate appeal of clickbait headlines about hookers and blow, of Alexander Supertramp lighting his substantial inherited wealth on fire somewhere in the desert. We fantasize about being rockstars, firefighters, farmers, poets. We want to be who we were, before it all changed.

Keeping Vigil

September 15, 2022 7:23 pm Published by

Is the duty of the living to honor the dead, or is it our fate to build new life off the backs of the anonymous billions who have gone before us?

Neighborhood Dogs

February 5, 2022 7:21 pm Published by

Not only are dogs more honest, in time they will tell us everything we need to know about the people they are associated with. Dogs always have a lot to teach us about ourselves. 

Picture Perfect

February 3, 2022 9:11 pm Published by

How many layers of a “picture perfect life” are our true selves buried beneath?  Perhaps the most pervasive question in my confusing life is which version of myself is the realest and where the edge between righteous discontent and selfish ingratitude really is. 

Different Stillness

January 4, 2022 4:51 am Published by

It costs us nothing to dream, it costs us everything to learn that we were dreaming the wrong thing. 

The Weight

September 6, 2021 10:02 pm Published by

Forty years ago, DDT was thinning bald eagle eggs to the point that a mama bird would crush her own brood while trying to incubate them. Finally, a few devout scientists proved this and changed the agricultural chemical industry for the marginally better. If only our mama birds recognized that the weight of their own skewed expectations were crushing us all to death. 

Spilling Blood

July 24, 2021 1:32 am Published by

It is strangely soothing to feel the adrenaline surging towards the wound and to see the inner workings bubbling up to the surface. Perhaps this is the epitome of the conscious living experience, to have a few fleeting moments of heightened awareness where what’s before us is razor-sharp and what’s behind us is gone.

Bittersweet

May 10, 2021 4:38 pm Published by

Holding back doesn’t lessen the pain of the loss, but it sure as hell lessens the joy of the having.

Tattoos

April 4, 2021 10:09 pm Published by

We need physicality, need to feel some presence and ownership in the bodies we inhabit. Without it, the mind will run rampant, will run away with itself and constantly try to leave the flesh behind. 

Just Say It

March 30, 2021 4:37 pm Published by

There is no moral high ground, just the ugly work of growing, healing, becoming.

Spring Again

March 27, 2021 4:54 pm Published by

I want my joys to be total, my thirsts quenchable, my fears primal. Compounding interest and the calculated torments of the internet make a hungry wolf sound downright friendly. 

Moving and Staying Still

February 20, 2021 7:15 pm Published by

The most unnatural thing we can do is ignore the calling to draw near and reflect, to suppress the urge to go out and seek, to demand a sameness from our souls that robs them of the very quality which makes them soulful.

Going Nowhere

February 17, 2021 11:19 pm Published by

These times, the only place you have to go is within. The only people you can eavesdrop live within your own mind, and people will tell you that hearing voices makes you crazy.

On the Border of Lonely

December 16, 2020 6:58 pm Published by

Where I stand, the world is quiet. Wind whispers through the ocotillos and the mesquite trees, its song through the thorns cooing the memories of love that hurts to remember and hurts to forget. There’s a ghost beside me, the absence of a soul to share these sights with.

Leaves

October 23, 2020 9:02 pm Published by

We yearn to show our true colors, to display our brightest greens and most vivid yellows, to gracefully grow through the seasons of life for the audience we treasure. Perhaps even to see ourselves become what we are destined to be, to feel pride at who we are. 

Smoke

September 18, 2020 9:24 pm Published by

And indeed, my flesh is increasingly made of the smoke that our society has created. It is not just routine incense of aspen and pine. It is acrid smoke, spreading across an entire continent, filled with bits of electrical wiring and industrial paint, finer and lighter than ever because the vegetation is so dry.

Depression Headache

August 31, 2020 4:18 am Published by

When I talk to friends, it is via a telephone screen, which physiologically contributes to headaches and psychologically contributes to isolation.

Leery of Contentment

August 12, 2020 11:17 pm Published by

The progress addict is leery of contentment, for it threatens the need to constantly be falling forwards.

You Won’t See Me

July 23, 2020 11:15 pm Published by

Being an expert in solitude has its costs. You play the long game, accustomed to the sense that there is nothing rushing you to act. And then a forceful suitor swoops in, a lease runs out, bills come up due. Day turns to night, and so it does until another year has passed. The world waits for no one.

Nostalgia

April 22, 2020 5:35 pm Published by

Nostalgia is the truest form of grief. It washes over us with deceptive warm waves of comfort and familiarity, reaching out with open arms to welcome us to the throes of something that never was.

Near Death Experience

March 9, 2020 6:15 pm Published by

The near death experience may be the moment before the fall is halted by the ground, it may be the first tumble when everything is pain and ringing noises and a flash of white light. Or it may be what happens months, or even years, later. It has nothing to do with injuries or lightning strikes or natural gas leaks. The more comfortable we get and the further from our dreams we stray, the nearer to death we truly become.

I Can’t Believe This is Happening to Me

February 24, 2020 7:06 pm Published by

Oftentimes, the reality of life is difficult to believe. Not only is truth stranger than fiction, but there is a noteworthy disconnect between our expectations, our perceptions, and the unflinching march of time.

The Hope Myth

February 7, 2020 6:43 pm Published by

There is a pervasive myth in humanity that the best way to get through life is with hope of a better tomorrow.

No Depression

February 4, 2020 6:12 pm Published by

The word ‘depressed’ is ridiculously complicated. Not that any word in any language means just one thing, but few words mean more things than depression. Everything from measurable chemical imbalances to tropical storm systems to underperforming stock markets can lead to depression.

We Live in a Simulation

January 31, 2020 8:29 pm Published by

For all the advancements our society has made, the world still rewards those who can separate their conscience from their actions. Close the deal, shoot the wounded, put profit before people. There is not a visible cosmic arbiter of justice and this means only that one’s ingrained sense of right and wrong is a hindrance in the earthly realm.

Lost in Translation

January 27, 2020 7:39 pm Published by

Ultimately, we are confined to the languages we share with others. The spoken and written languages of the world. The things we trade in. The artistic media that leave everything open to interpretation yet create fleeting bits of solace and solidarity.

Measurements

January 6, 2020 9:05 pm Published by

Somewhere between January and December, between sunrise and sunset, life turns into a series of processes that can rob the days of their original potential. From the alarm clock to clocking in, the hours tick away marked by a ceaseless process that forces us into line.

Rust

March 10, 2019 8:39 pm Published by

Through the eroding power of time and numbing experiences, these days the inputs have to be somewhat stronger to come through. Connections corrode with time and rust is simply a protective shell for the fresh parts beneath it.

Bumpy Roads

December 2, 2018 7:42 pm Published by

By the time we realize bumps could jolt us back awake after the smoothness becomes dangerously hypnotizing, it is too... View Article

Seasons

November 15, 2018 6:41 pm Published by

Feeling the seasons change is surreal, because it always brings with it a rushing nostalgia and a helpless terror. The... View Article

Empty

November 2, 2018 5:34 pm Published by

Emptiness has a nearly universal negative connotation. It is forced to duke it out with its syntactical opposition ‘half full,’... View Article

Disappearing Act

August 7, 2018 2:20 pm Published by

Life does not ask if you want to see a dead body dredged from a river on your bike ride or if you want to wake up one day and realize that most everyone you thought you might marry someday is now engaged to someone else or if you were ready for another year to be two-thirds over, for everyone you love to be two-thirds a year older, for your checking account to be two-thirds a year emptier. The disappearing act forces you to put your thoughts in a centrifuge in a noise-cancelling vacuum and distill them and listen to them until you are aware just what they are.

Make Yourself Comfortable

April 4, 2018 2:33 pm Published by

I try to free myself of the thirst for material goods, only to notice that in lieu of spiritual satisfaction, a project car or a more specialized bicycle or new camera lens might offer up a convincing diversion. Besides, what is so wrong with just being comfortable?

It Feels Wrong to Write

November 27, 2017 1:35 pm Published by

I find beauty and hope in the individual and collective human ability to defy the odds. I am also radically overwhelmed by it. Isn't our existence a miracle that should be revered? Aren't we preposterously fleeting? Should we take things less seriously? Is it possible to take things seriously enough? 

The Bearded Ones

October 24, 2017 11:50 am Published by

If there is one quality that I’ve been told I possess which I’m finally starting to truly believe, it’s that I still get as excited as a child about lizards and automobiles and carnivorous plants and, as it turns out, muskoxen. I think this is my number one greatest survival skill, because it gives me the upper hand over any number of existential crises, chemical imbalances, and structural damages that may otherwise rob me of much desire to proceed.

Peeing in the Arctic Circle

October 11, 2017 2:58 pm Published by

I stood there in a long sleeve T-shirt and blue jeans, exposed in all the most vulnerable ways to the elements, and felt a certain type of ridiculous freedom that men often chase their entire lives. One would never explicitly state that they aspire to something as trite as peeing atop Atiguin Pass, but that may be part of the problem.

Don’t You Ever Get Lonely?

August 31, 2017 7:11 pm Published by

I stood and let conditioned fear course through my veins and simply observed it from a few feet above my body. For all of these misguided warnings, there I was, completely, utterly alone and more alive than ever. Not even the smallest bone in my body felt lonely in that moment.

The Crossroads

July 29, 2017 3:43 pm Published by

This was a literal crossroads that felt aggressively metaphorical. I wanted to curse the very road junction itself for pointing in all directions and inviting us to follow them wherever they may lead...

Darkness, Light, and a Sunset in Maine

April 4, 2017 12:19 pm Published by

This moment turned out to be a subtle turning point in the narrative. Since picking up the Land Cruiser and having a hilarious Saint Paddy’s Day that was blessedly free of self-awareness sabotaging my enjoyment, I now presented the trip as not just a salve for the pained brain clanging around in my head but also as a concerted effort to rediscover the simple joys that make me who I am and thusly make me worth spending any time around.

A Place to Call Home: The Almost-Ghosttown of Centralia, Pennsylvania

March 27, 2017 1:32 pm Published by

Signs stood in the trees warning hunters not to hunt in this area. We were quite near a State Game Land, of which Pennsylvania has many, and I suppose if you spent enough time in the woods and chased a deer far enough, you could wind up here. Of course, if you missed, your rifle shot might go through one of the remaining houses in Centralia. Or its sharp crack may just be the straw that breaks the asphalt’s back and sends you or the deer into a deep, hot hole.

Cartography

March 22, 2017 11:11 am Published by

Arriving in a new city by night is always a confusing experience, made all the more surreal by the biting cold and sound-deadening snow that blanketed the town on Saint Patrick’s Friday. Aside from brief breaks for fuel and key exchanges, I’d last stood on solid ground in Manhattan, which made this quietude a special blessing and also a shock to an addled system.

Making Moves

March 6, 2017 5:52 pm Published by

Nothing will snap me out of my hypnogogic trance faster than someone telling me that I have more interests or dreams than they do. I will fiercely accost a perfect stranger because I believe so firmly in the human imagination and the childlike whimsy that resides somewhere inside every one of us.

The Stories We Long to Tell

February 9, 2017 10:06 am Published by

I don’t want to tell myself a story about the woods while sitting under fluorescent lights in a cubicle somewhere far away from them. We needn’t delude ourselves that our masterpieces are just a few months away, if only we keep biding time.

Plans are Better than Goals

February 6, 2017 1:25 pm Published by

I’ve got a long list of regrets and a longer list of plans, and neither of those lists will get any shorter until I start acting the same way I daydream when I’m having a good day.

DILLIGAF?

January 24, 2017 5:29 pm Published by

Somewhere between the dutiful and the nihilistic is the sense that none of us make it out alive, but many of us are never even fully alive.

You Can’t Fire Me, I Quit

January 9, 2017 4:28 pm Published by

Even though I’ve made so many dramatic moves towards living out my dream, I still often doubt my own agency and potential for happiness.