January 15, 2024 5:36 amPublished by John Montesi
It feels much better to be up here, not an apex predator, not quite comfortably numb, using all my senses. I stop to crouch and study the sand.
January 3, 2024 7:44 pmPublished by John Montesi
This week marks seven years of Hank. Highs and lows and tons of in-betweens. He’s been there with me when it felt like it was all over, and when I wished it could last forever.
October 31, 2023 6:48 pmPublished by John Montesi
The world we inhabit is quite good at sustaining life but not altogether good at encouraging aliveness.
October 2, 2023 10:06 pmPublished by John Montesi
It is so hard to set oneself free from the comforts and fears we know. Maybe it is only when the body reaches terminal velocity that we realize a new haircut or a whole new life would’ve been a lot less scary than the elaborate confines of the mind.
September 24, 2022 5:57 pmPublished by John Montesi
That is the ultimate appeal of clickbait headlines about hookers and blow, of Alexander Supertramp lighting his substantial inherited wealth on fire somewhere in the desert. We fantasize about being rockstars, firefighters, farmers, poets. We want to be who we were, before it all changed.
September 15, 2022 7:23 pmPublished by John Montesi
Is the duty of the living to honor the dead, or is it our fate to build new life off the backs of the anonymous billions who have gone before us?
June 14, 2022 7:50 pmPublished by John Montesi
There is something about life that feels more beautiful when it is strained through the filter of the finite. Some part of our beings is best at appreciating the good when we know it is running out.
September 6, 2021 10:02 pmPublished by John Montesi
Forty years ago, DDT was thinning bald eagle eggs to the point that a mama bird would crush her own brood while trying to incubate them. Finally, a few devout scientists proved this and changed the agricultural chemical industry for the marginally better. If only our mama birds recognized that the weight of their own skewed expectations were crushing us all to death.
July 24, 2021 1:32 amPublished by John Montesi
It is strangely soothing to feel the adrenaline surging towards the wound and to see the inner workings bubbling up to the surface.
Perhaps this is the epitome of the conscious living experience, to have a few fleeting moments of heightened awareness where what’s before us is razor-sharp and what’s behind us is gone.
April 4, 2021 10:09 pmPublished by John Montesi
We need physicality, need to feel some presence and ownership in the bodies we inhabit. Without it, the mind will run rampant, will run away with itself and constantly try to leave the flesh behind.
February 20, 2021 7:15 pmPublished by John Montesi
The most unnatural thing we can do is ignore the calling to draw near and reflect, to suppress the urge to go out and seek, to demand a sameness from our souls that robs them of the very quality which makes them soulful.
February 17, 2021 11:19 pmPublished by John Montesi
These times, the only place you have to go is within. The only people you can eavesdrop live within your own mind, and people will tell you that hearing voices makes you crazy.
December 16, 2020 6:58 pmPublished by John Montesi
Where I stand, the world is quiet. Wind whispers through the ocotillos and the mesquite trees, its song through the thorns cooing the memories of love that hurts to remember and hurts to forget. There’s a ghost beside me, the absence of a soul to share these sights with.
October 23, 2020 9:02 pmPublished by John Montesi
We yearn to show our true colors, to display our brightest greens and most vivid yellows, to gracefully grow through the seasons of life for the audience we treasure. Perhaps even to see ourselves become what we are destined to be, to feel pride at who we are.
August 31, 2020 4:18 amPublished by John Montesi
When I talk to friends, it is via a telephone screen, which physiologically contributes to headaches and psychologically contributes to isolation.
August 12, 2020 11:17 pmPublished by John Montesi
The progress addict is leery of contentment, for it threatens the need to constantly be falling forwards.
May 12, 2020 5:22 pmPublished by John Montesi
Like the rootbound plant which withers when set free, we adapt to the particular habitat that sustains us.
April 22, 2020 5:35 pmPublished by John Montesi
Nostalgia is the truest form of grief. It washes over us with deceptive warm waves of comfort and familiarity, reaching out with open arms to welcome us to the throes of something that never was.
February 24, 2020 7:06 pmPublished by John Montesi
Oftentimes, the reality of life is difficult to believe. Not only is truth stranger than fiction, but there is a noteworthy disconnect between our expectations, our perceptions, and the unflinching march of time.
February 4, 2020 6:12 pmPublished by John Montesi
The word ‘depressed’ is ridiculously complicated. Not that any word in any language means just one thing, but few words mean more things than depression. Everything from measurable chemical imbalances to tropical storm systems to underperforming stock markets can lead to depression.
January 27, 2020 7:39 pmPublished by John Montesi
Ultimately, we are confined to the languages we share with others. The spoken and written languages of the world. The things we trade in. The artistic media that leave everything open to interpretation yet create fleeting bits of solace and solidarity.
January 6, 2020 9:05 pmPublished by John Montesi
Somewhere between January and December, between sunrise and sunset, life turns into a series of processes that can rob the days of their original potential. From the alarm clock to clocking in, the hours tick away marked by a ceaseless process that forces us into line.
September 9, 2019 5:40 pmPublished by John Montesi
Without profound solitude, everything else feels frivolous at best. After a while, no distraction is as satisfying as not being distracted.
November 26, 2018 8:25 pmPublished by John Montesi
You should never admit these things, especially not in writing, because it is a weakness, a liability, a pox on... View Article
November 15, 2018 6:41 pmPublished by John Montesi
Feeling the seasons change is surreal, because it always brings with it a rushing nostalgia and a helpless terror. The... View Article
August 7, 2018 2:20 pmPublished by admin
Life does not ask if you want to see a dead body dredged from a river on your bike ride or if you want to wake up one day and realize that most everyone you thought you might marry someday is now engaged to someone else or if you were ready for another year to be two-thirds over, for everyone you love to be two-thirds a year older, for your checking account to be two-thirds a year emptier. The disappearing act forces you to put your thoughts in a centrifuge in a noise-cancelling vacuum and distill them and listen to them until you are aware just what they are.
July 16, 2018 6:39 pmPublished by admin
Existing is a fickle thing, some combination of biological bare-minimums and feeling profoundly satisfied which ultimately makes us who we... View Article
May 23, 2018 4:53 pmPublished by admin
I hate circling dates on the calendar, because it always creates a disproportionate sense of the value of a given day.
May 4, 2018 11:33 amPublished by admin
Spending too much time thinking may have its downsides, but that is only if you subscribe to the notion that there is such thing as “spending too much time thinking.”
April 4, 2018 2:33 pmPublished by admin
I try to free myself of the thirst for material goods, only to notice that in lieu of spiritual satisfaction, a project car or a more specialized bicycle or new camera lens might offer up a convincing diversion. Besides, what is so wrong with just being comfortable?
March 14, 2018 5:07 pmPublished by admin
There is a yearning within all of us to find more joy in a simple evening stroll than in a new Porsche, but there is also a reluctance which holds us back. We can work hard and save our shekels and buy the one, but the other requires solemn introspection and much harder work, and nothing which can be bought with ink on a dotted line. And that is what writing and conversation and coffee and whiskey are all about; it is why we must make a thousand words out of the way the sunlight dances along the sidewalk during the evening dog walk
February 20, 2018 12:59 pmPublished by admin
I am fascinated by our variable tolerances; when it comes to solitude, silence, loneliness, or discomfort, we react violently and... View Article
October 11, 2017 2:58 pmPublished by John Montesi
I stood there in a long sleeve T-shirt and blue jeans, exposed in all the most vulnerable ways to the elements, and felt a certain type of ridiculous freedom that men often chase their entire lives. One would never explicitly state that they aspire to something as trite as peeing atop Atiguin Pass, but that may be part of the problem.
September 9, 2017 2:06 pmPublished by John Montesi
"On the road again, kissing toes and meeting the characters who make Dawson such a vibrant enclave, I was forced to acknowledge the joy which supersedes the easy checklist items I was racing towards. Items which will always be there, which serve a purpose but do not provide one."
August 24, 2017 9:51 pmPublished by John Montesi
These snippets are always taken out of context, and they often make others feel inferior and the sharer feel isolated, as if their reality isn’t living up to outsiders’ expectations of it. Happiness is not guaranteed by the sight of snow-capped mountains, though they are never unwelcome. A smile in a moment does not tell the full story. One does not and cannot cross a border or climb a mountain every second of their lives.
July 29, 2017 3:43 pmPublished by John Montesi
This was a literal crossroads that felt aggressively metaphorical. I wanted to curse the very road junction itself for pointing in all directions and inviting us to follow them wherever they may lead...
June 1, 2017 5:55 pmPublished by John Montesi
A couple of weeks ago, I began to examine the oppressive idea that, “You can’t just do that.” Whatever that... View Article
May 17, 2017 11:24 amPublished by John Montesi
I recently became aware of the improbable story of Amanda Coker. It is noteworthy in several ways. Firstly, she just... View Article
April 13, 2017 4:48 pmPublished by John Montesi
Sometimes you see something furry and want to touch it, whether it’s a puppy or someone’s velvet jacket. Sometimes you let a bartender plan the majority of your day with no idea of what you’re agreeing to.
April 12, 2017 12:35 amPublished by John Montesi
How would you like to feel 10% less like spontaneously weeping and 90% less passionate about everything from the sound of music to laughing at jokes to your dog’s wellbeing?
April 4, 2017 12:19 pmPublished by John Montesi
This moment turned out to be a subtle turning point in the narrative. Since picking up the Land Cruiser and having a hilarious Saint Paddy’s Day that was blessedly free of self-awareness sabotaging my enjoyment, I now presented the trip as not just a salve for the pained brain clanging around in my head but also as a concerted effort to rediscover the simple joys that make me who I am and thusly make me worth spending any time around.
March 22, 2017 11:11 amPublished by John Montesi
Arriving in a new city by night is always a confusing experience, made all the more surreal by the biting cold and sound-deadening snow that blanketed the town on Saint Patrick’s Friday. Aside from brief breaks for fuel and key exchanges, I’d last stood on solid ground in Manhattan, which made this quietude a special blessing and also a shock to an addled system.
March 6, 2017 5:52 pmPublished by John Montesi
Nothing will snap me out of my hypnogogic trance faster than someone telling me that I have more interests or dreams than they do. I will fiercely accost a perfect stranger because I believe so firmly in the human imagination and the childlike whimsy that resides somewhere inside every one of us.
February 20, 2017 5:08 pmPublished by John Montesi
I pulled up to one of the only sections of river that wasn’t imminently raging from the evening’s water release... View Article
February 19, 2017 11:53 pmPublished by John Montesi
Three days ago I said I’d be right back with a few positive tales from the last week. I then... View Article
February 16, 2017 5:01 pmPublished by John Montesi
Some days my brain echoes with static and feels so stuffed with cotton balls that my favorite places feel grating... View Article
February 9, 2017 10:06 amPublished by John Montesi
I don’t want to tell myself a story about the woods while sitting under fluorescent lights in a cubicle somewhere far away from them. We needn’t delude ourselves that our masterpieces are just a few months away, if only we keep biding time.
February 6, 2017 1:25 pmPublished by John Montesi
I’ve got a long list of regrets and a longer list of plans, and neither of those lists will get any shorter until I start acting the same way I daydream when I’m having a good day.
January 13, 2017 12:56 pmPublished by John Montesi
That is a myth that afflicts not just writers but all people: that our lives, because they are normal to us, are uninteresting and dull while the stories and images of others are enviable and epic in some unattainable way.
January 8, 2017 1:58 pmPublished by John Montesi
From Raleigh, heading North made for quicker progress across state lines. I made plans to move beyond the comfortable confines... View Article
January 4, 2017 11:46 amPublished by John Montesi
Sunday night at church, the pastor did what they so often do and seemed to speak directly to me and... View Article