January 3, 2024 7:44 pmPublished by John Montesi
This week marks seven years of Hank. Highs and lows and tons of in-betweens. He’s been there with me when it felt like it was all over, and when I wished it could last forever.
November 28, 2023 6:01 amPublished by John Montesi
I think about the common human refrain, we don’t deserve dogs. And I largely agree. But then I remember that it doesn’t have to be this way.
September 24, 2022 5:57 pmPublished by John Montesi
That is the ultimate appeal of clickbait headlines about hookers and blow, of Alexander Supertramp lighting his substantial inherited wealth on fire somewhere in the desert. We fantasize about being rockstars, firefighters, farmers, poets. We want to be who we were, before it all changed.
September 15, 2022 7:23 pmPublished by John Montesi
Is the duty of the living to honor the dead, or is it our fate to build new life off the backs of the anonymous billions who have gone before us?
February 5, 2022 7:21 pmPublished by John Montesi
Not only are dogs more honest, in time they will tell us everything we need to know about the people they are associated with. Dogs always have a lot to teach us about ourselves.
September 6, 2021 10:02 pmPublished by John Montesi
Forty years ago, DDT was thinning bald eagle eggs to the point that a mama bird would crush her own brood while trying to incubate them. Finally, a few devout scientists proved this and changed the agricultural chemical industry for the marginally better. If only our mama birds recognized that the weight of their own skewed expectations were crushing us all to death.
February 20, 2021 7:15 pmPublished by John Montesi
The most unnatural thing we can do is ignore the calling to draw near and reflect, to suppress the urge to go out and seek, to demand a sameness from our souls that robs them of the very quality which makes them soulful.
July 23, 2020 11:15 pmPublished by John Montesi
Being an expert in solitude has its costs. You play the long game, accustomed to the sense that there is nothing rushing you to act. And then a forceful suitor swoops in, a lease runs out, bills come up due. Day turns to night, and so it does until another year has passed. The world waits for no one.
April 22, 2020 5:35 pmPublished by John Montesi
Nostalgia is the truest form of grief. It washes over us with deceptive warm waves of comfort and familiarity, reaching out with open arms to welcome us to the throes of something that never was.
March 9, 2020 6:15 pmPublished by John Montesi
The near death experience may be the moment before the fall is halted by the ground, it may be the first tumble when everything is pain and ringing noises and a flash of white light. Or it may be what happens months, or even years, later. It has nothing to do with injuries or lightning strikes or natural gas leaks. The more comfortable we get and the further from our dreams we stray, the nearer to death we truly become.
February 24, 2020 7:06 pmPublished by John Montesi
Oftentimes, the reality of life is difficult to believe. Not only is truth stranger than fiction, but there is a noteworthy disconnect between our expectations, our perceptions, and the unflinching march of time.
February 4, 2020 6:12 pmPublished by John Montesi
The word ‘depressed’ is ridiculously complicated. Not that any word in any language means just one thing, but few words mean more things than depression. Everything from measurable chemical imbalances to tropical storm systems to underperforming stock markets can lead to depression.
January 27, 2020 7:39 pmPublished by John Montesi
Ultimately, we are confined to the languages we share with others. The spoken and written languages of the world. The things we trade in. The artistic media that leave everything open to interpretation yet create fleeting bits of solace and solidarity.
January 6, 2020 9:05 pmPublished by John Montesi
Somewhere between January and December, between sunrise and sunset, life turns into a series of processes that can rob the days of their original potential. From the alarm clock to clocking in, the hours tick away marked by a ceaseless process that forces us into line.
September 9, 2019 5:40 pmPublished by John Montesi
Without profound solitude, everything else feels frivolous at best. After a while, no distraction is as satisfying as not being distracted.
July 21, 2019 11:48 pmPublished by John Montesi
When someone says “This is as good as it gets,” what connotation does that have for you? What about if they ask, “Is this as good as it gets?”
April 29, 2019 2:00 amPublished by John Montesi
I often notice myself feeling leery of promise because it contains a tremendous amount of kinetic energy. It is why I like to be like a rolling stone, neither gathering moss nor bothered much by the rough and tumble of rolling downhill.
February 1, 2019 8:52 pmPublished by John Montesi
Everyone is so afraid of sharing a spork and sleeping on the ground that they forget to be afraid of what happens when they think themselves above such things.
November 26, 2018 8:25 pmPublished by John Montesi
You should never admit these things, especially not in writing, because it is a weakness, a liability, a pox on... View Article
November 15, 2018 6:41 pmPublished by John Montesi
Feeling the seasons change is surreal, because it always brings with it a rushing nostalgia and a helpless terror. The... View Article
August 2, 2018 4:09 pmPublished by admin
I do not need distractions or white picket fences. I need to write. I need to push myself to the limits so I have something to say. And I need to read what others have said, that I may remember the vague, gnawing feelings I have all day have names.
July 16, 2018 6:39 pmPublished by admin
Existing is a fickle thing, some combination of biological bare-minimums and feeling profoundly satisfied which ultimately makes us who we... View Article
May 23, 2018 4:53 pmPublished by admin
I hate circling dates on the calendar, because it always creates a disproportionate sense of the value of a given day.
May 4, 2018 11:33 amPublished by admin
Spending too much time thinking may have its downsides, but that is only if you subscribe to the notion that there is such thing as “spending too much time thinking.”
April 2, 2018 1:45 pmPublished by admin
The most violent loneliness is preferable to the most numb and superficial sense of inclusion; like a blizzard in Indianapolis, that feeling is real and palpable and will yield to something different, if only you keep driving.
March 14, 2018 5:07 pmPublished by admin
There is a yearning within all of us to find more joy in a simple evening stroll than in a new Porsche, but there is also a reluctance which holds us back. We can work hard and save our shekels and buy the one, but the other requires solemn introspection and much harder work, and nothing which can be bought with ink on a dotted line. And that is what writing and conversation and coffee and whiskey are all about; it is why we must make a thousand words out of the way the sunlight dances along the sidewalk during the evening dog walk
February 27, 2018 12:17 pmPublished by admin
In a way, it is a refreshing feeling to be constantly aware of your surroundings, to know what it is you are most afraid of. To have a common fear with all fellow men, to have a lingua franca that everyone speaks about dangers and preparations and the haughty laughs we must have if we are to survive it at all. In the Yukon, everyone has a bear story or ten. In Alaska, people speak more in “how bad” bears are than whether there are bears at all.
February 20, 2018 12:59 pmPublished by admin
I am fascinated by our variable tolerances; when it comes to solitude, silence, loneliness, or discomfort, we react violently and... View Article
February 3, 2018 12:00 pmPublished by admin
Any time someone takes a real, human risk and shares real feelings, answers the question “How are you?” with something... View Article
January 15, 2018 1:54 pmPublished by admin
We gradually fade from sharp-toothed puppy to hyperactive youngin’ to sleeping eighteen hours a day, and as is the nature of existing, we only really notice our most current state of being. A senior dog fades into the background and then occasionally surprises us with a half snarl or a flash of the spunk that used to wear us down through sheer quantity of energy. An old friend falls through the cracks as we see enough glimpses of them looking happy on the internet that we forget to check in and actually talk. The best moments of our life slowly fade into the shadows until we neither remember nor forget them; they are simply there until a tragedy brings them into high relief and we remember them wistfully.
January 4, 2018 12:43 pmPublished by admin
If there is one thing I have learned in more or less the last calendar year, it is that we are at our best when we can hold our own worst thoughts and fears in our hands at arm’s length and stare at them until they look less ugly and less daunting; less like shackles and more like spurs.
December 16, 2017 6:27 pmPublished by admin
I hoisted my knee up over the edge and we stood, above the Canyon once more, fierce winds howling in our ears, reminding us just how precarious standing atop a slick hoodoo is. But, everything is precarious in its own way. Is it not better to bring that to light instead of trying to hide it in the shadows?
October 11, 2017 2:58 pmPublished by John Montesi
I stood there in a long sleeve T-shirt and blue jeans, exposed in all the most vulnerable ways to the elements, and felt a certain type of ridiculous freedom that men often chase their entire lives. One would never explicitly state that they aspire to something as trite as peeing atop Atiguin Pass, but that may be part of the problem.
September 9, 2017 2:06 pmPublished by John Montesi
"On the road again, kissing toes and meeting the characters who make Dawson such a vibrant enclave, I was forced to acknowledge the joy which supersedes the easy checklist items I was racing towards. Items which will always be there, which serve a purpose but do not provide one."
August 31, 2017 7:11 pmPublished by John Montesi
I stood and let conditioned fear course through my veins and simply observed it from a few feet above my body. For all of these misguided warnings, there I was, completely, utterly alone and more alive than ever. Not even the smallest bone in my body felt lonely in that moment.
August 26, 2017 4:33 pmPublished by John Montesi
We pulled into the shallows, and the dizzying pace of the water just beyond the barrier island gave me something to focus on.
“I think that big eclipse is starting right around now,” I offered.
“What eclipse?” he asked me.
August 24, 2017 9:51 pmPublished by John Montesi
These snippets are always taken out of context, and they often make others feel inferior and the sharer feel isolated, as if their reality isn’t living up to outsiders’ expectations of it. Happiness is not guaranteed by the sight of snow-capped mountains, though they are never unwelcome. A smile in a moment does not tell the full story. One does not and cannot cross a border or climb a mountain every second of their lives.
August 11, 2017 6:08 pmPublished by John Montesi
It is healthy to have our schema shattered repeatedly. It creates a certain open-mindedness and healthy humility. It separates us from the crippling weight of individual situations and frees us from the sense that basic outcomes may dictate our entire lives in a hubristically finite set of options. Every mile covered by the Land Cruiser is earned in a way that would seem blessedly easy to Lewis or Clark or Muir, no matter how brutish they may feel at the time. Every time I believe myself close to an understanding or even a point on a map, I secretly relish being crushed or at least corrected.
July 29, 2017 3:43 pmPublished by John Montesi
This was a literal crossroads that felt aggressively metaphorical. I wanted to curse the very road junction itself for pointing in all directions and inviting us to follow them wherever they may lead...
July 22, 2017 2:03 pmPublished by John Montesi
The next morning the sun shone brightly through the cabin windows before my alarm clock rang. Sunshine in the mountains... View Article
July 15, 2017 2:36 pmPublished by John Montesi
She knew who I was because I had called in to secure a spot and presumably nobody else had done so that day. I was given the keys and a brief rundown of the area, Hank was given a few dog treats and knocked over a stand of s’mores skewers. It was all so matter of fact and immediate that Los Angeles felt even further than 846 miles away.
July 13, 2017 6:08 pmPublished by John Montesi
A series of machinations led to another, even younger-looking tow truck driver appearing some 30 minutes after we first arrived.... View Article
July 5, 2017 3:44 pmPublished by John Montesi
“The middle of nowhere” is a loaded idiom. It’s a vague-yet-precise phrase that invokes a certain situation or location, and which could be positive or negative depending on who says it. It offers up visions of amber waves and orange plateaus, of abandoned filling stations and faded glimpses of the past’s future. It is a place devoid of the decades of social construction required to populate a city with its traps and trappings.
June 1, 2017 5:55 pmPublished by John Montesi
A couple of weeks ago, I began to examine the oppressive idea that, “You can’t just do that.” Whatever that... View Article
May 17, 2017 11:24 amPublished by John Montesi
I recently became aware of the improbable story of Amanda Coker. It is noteworthy in several ways. Firstly, she just... View Article
April 18, 2017 1:56 pmPublished by John Montesi
I shirk at the word escapism, though my counselor has encouraged me increasingly not to attach pejorative connotations to things... View Article
April 12, 2017 12:35 amPublished by John Montesi
How would you like to feel 10% less like spontaneously weeping and 90% less passionate about everything from the sound of music to laughing at jokes to your dog’s wellbeing?
April 4, 2017 12:19 pmPublished by John Montesi
This moment turned out to be a subtle turning point in the narrative. Since picking up the Land Cruiser and having a hilarious Saint Paddy’s Day that was blessedly free of self-awareness sabotaging my enjoyment, I now presented the trip as not just a salve for the pained brain clanging around in my head but also as a concerted effort to rediscover the simple joys that make me who I am and thusly make me worth spending any time around.
March 22, 2017 11:11 amPublished by John Montesi
Arriving in a new city by night is always a confusing experience, made all the more surreal by the biting cold and sound-deadening snow that blanketed the town on Saint Patrick’s Friday. Aside from brief breaks for fuel and key exchanges, I’d last stood on solid ground in Manhattan, which made this quietude a special blessing and also a shock to an addled system.
March 6, 2017 5:52 pmPublished by John Montesi
Nothing will snap me out of my hypnogogic trance faster than someone telling me that I have more interests or dreams than they do. I will fiercely accost a perfect stranger because I believe so firmly in the human imagination and the childlike whimsy that resides somewhere inside every one of us.
February 20, 2017 5:08 pmPublished by John Montesi
I pulled up to one of the only sections of river that wasn’t imminently raging from the evening’s water release... View Article
February 19, 2017 11:53 pmPublished by John Montesi
Three days ago I said I’d be right back with a few positive tales from the last week. I then... View Article
February 9, 2017 10:06 amPublished by John Montesi
I don’t want to tell myself a story about the woods while sitting under fluorescent lights in a cubicle somewhere far away from them. We needn’t delude ourselves that our masterpieces are just a few months away, if only we keep biding time.
February 6, 2017 1:25 pmPublished by John Montesi
I’ve got a long list of regrets and a longer list of plans, and neither of those lists will get any shorter until I start acting the same way I daydream when I’m having a good day.
January 24, 2017 5:29 pmPublished by John Montesi
Somewhere between the dutiful and the nihilistic is the sense that none of us make it out alive, but many of us are never even fully alive.
January 13, 2017 12:56 pmPublished by John Montesi
That is a myth that afflicts not just writers but all people: that our lives, because they are normal to us, are uninteresting and dull while the stories and images of others are enviable and epic in some unattainable way.
January 9, 2017 4:28 pmPublished by John Montesi
Even though I’ve made so many dramatic moves towards living out my dream, I still often doubt my own agency and potential for happiness.
January 4, 2017 11:46 amPublished by John Montesi
Sunday night at church, the pastor did what they so often do and seemed to speak directly to me and... View Article